I didn't post my siblings letters out of respect for their privacy.
This is part of a letter I used to tell my family that I wasn't Mormon anymore:
I spent many years justifying every inconsistency I discovered in my faith.
Eventually I had created a complex rationalization that fit the already complex
doctrine of mormonism. I always held to my faith, but despite my best efforts,
and to my horror, the entire system fell apart as easily as a house of cards.
How carefully I reconstructed it every time. Justifying it, protecting it. There
was always another explanation. The problem with its instability filled me with
anxiety. Finally I let the cards lie. I stepped away from it, as beautiful as it
was, and decided I didn't need it anymore. The anxiety ceased.
I have not left the church to justify any vice. I have no desire for drugs
or alcohol or illicit sex. I say this so that no one will blame it on
rationalization of sin. There remains "the Father of Lies" who may have so
craftily conned me. Ask yourselves why we blame this on Satan. I have faced
Satan many times as a mormon. He is terrible. I learned even then that I could
subdue the fear of Satan by finding peace in myself. It was the real power
behind "casting him out" in the name of Christ. Where I am now, Satan
does not exist.
What is imporatant in this life is self-discovery, love,
compassion, relationships, family. That is why we are here.
Response to Joe and Jorie:
Joe,
I welcome your feedback. I appreciate your concern.
Fear is not what drove me away from the church. I have learned to
master fear as a mormon just as you have described. My motivations for
living within the framework of the gospel were a love for God and the
relationship that I had built with him. I was no longer "haunted" by evil
spirits, and when I encountered them I could dismiss them easily. What I
was afraid of, and the source of my anxiety was what I had learned from fear. I
was resisting understanding something because I felt that the church would grow
very small in significance. I was afraid of having to leave the church.
I was starting to see the bigger picture. Allow me to illustrate. Imagine a nursery of children. One child is playing with blocks, another with cars, another with dolls and so on. Each child is enjoying the experience, absorbed in what they are doing. I feel like the little boy who stood up and looked around and found that the joy comes from the child not the toy. The toy means nothing. The child means everything.
I don't feel I need to preach this to any of the children. They will understand this
eventually. But some children are concerned that I have abandoned my blocks. How
can I find happiness without them?
I don't mean to belittle the church. I have witnessed the power of the priesthood and had beautiful transcendant experiences that most people will never have. What I have discovered is that the church was not the source. The priesthood, heaven, Jesus Christ were not the source. I couldn't feel that until I had completely let the church go. Now, I feel it. It is blatantly obvious to me.
I believe that approaching God in any form is enlightening. We learn things about his nature that we do not expect. He is not our creation. Our perception of him is our creation.
I am not depressed, or escaping from anything. I am having a hard time because I feel like I let a lot of people down. I expected this transition to be very tough, and it has been.
I know how difficult this is for everyone. I don't expect anyone to understand it. I am sad for the grief and concern that I have caused, but I recognize that the concern is from love.
Dan
Response to Jorie:
Jorie,
I don't think you understand. I'm not cutting myself off. In fact, I'm doing all I can to connect with my friends and family because I know this is difficult. I'm a little put off because nothing in your response seems to imply that you understand what I'm saying.
I know all about depression. I'm really not depressed. I have been where you are in your understanding of the gospel, but you have never been where I am. That's okay. I just need you to recognize that my beliefs have changed.
Response to Joe:
Joe,
So, if I understand you correctly, you believe that:
I have isolated myself
I am depressed
I am receiving spiritual experiences from Satan
The Plan of Salvation as taught by the mormon church is the simplest explanation
I understand your concern. I assure you that none of these are true.
You and Jorie both have made assumptions and conclusions about my state of mind that I find offensive. My goal is to help you understand what I believe, but neither of you have responded with any interest. Instead, you have tried to scare me back into the church with great condescension and disrespect.
I am not mormon anymore. Checkmate. Neither of you had any bearing on this decision. It was mine to make. Our relationships were not based on the church. Love will see us through.
-Dan
After this I got a phone call from my Mom urging me not to cut myself off from my brother and sister. She also told me that I had a problem of thinking myself smarter than everyone. Turns out, the only way not to isolate myself from my family is to rejoin the mormon church. The correspondence continues...
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